The Beautiful Tension in Community and Friendship: The Desire to be Loved, Wanted, Needed, and KNOWN

Kara Veach

In high school, I had 3 best friends. I was content with that. I didn't like drama much, and I enjoyed sweet one-on-one moments getting ready for football games together in front of a gigantic mirror and car-rides blasting a ripped-off mix CD with random songs from Christina Aguilera, Rascal Flatts, 50 Cent, and John Mayer.

In college, my volleyball team, Kyle, and my roommates were my best friends. I had built-in friends, and I didn't actively pursue relationships outside of these friends because I had everything I needed. They were my people. They loved me, and I loved them, and we shared so many experiences that brought us close.

Making the Decision to Move

After Kyle and I got married, I finished college, couldn't find a job, and was lost trying to figure out what was next for me. Kyle too felt unfulfilled in the career he was in, and so with prompting from the Holy Spirit, we realized it was time to pursue the call that had always been on our life: ministry. So we initiated conversations, and soon enough, we were packing up our townhome to drive 4 hours away to start a new life as youth pastors in a new community. We hugged our best friends goodbye, and drove to a triplex apartment we had never seen the inside of.

Celebrating in a New Community

We moved up on June 1st, and ten days later on June 11th, it was my birthday. Our pastors invited us over for lunch and cake, and we spent the afternoon getting to know each other a little bit more. That evening, Kyle invited his high school buddy and wife to come down and celebrate me at a local restaurant. In between the lunch and dinner, I made two dozen cupcakes, decorating them with designs I had seen in wedding magazines and the show "Cake Boss".

As sweet as the dinner was, it was one of the few times I had spent time with this couple, and after inviting them to see our apartment and offering them one of the 24 cupcakes I made for myself, I felt the weight of the hole in my heart. After they left, I cried (more like wept) on my couch, feeling so alone on a day I wanted to feel seen.

Rationalizing the Tension of Excitement and Loss

No matter how excited we were to begin this new chapter of our lives, everything had changed. Our places, our comforts, and our community. The changes were all good. My ability to rationalize and agree that we were exactly where we needed to be gave me confidence and hope. But the losses we experienced were great as well, and I was sad that I was in a new place, and no one knew me.

Excitement and Loss, Again

Fast forward 14 years, and Kyle and I are in another season of transition. This time, we are leaving a community we have invested into for 10 years as the lead pastors. We have been blessed with deep friendships aging from 1 to 8, and up to 10 years in longevity.

We have held new babies in hospitals and homes, facilitated new covenants of marriage at every dreamy wedding venue in our cute town, screamed during many football games from our sagging living room couches, cried and counseled over meals around our dining room table, and worshiped our creator in a building we have renovated every square inch to make space for more families.

Throughout the 10 years, we have held small groups in our home with just as many kids upstairs packed in two bedrooms as adult downstairs, flinching every time we hear a huge boom on top of us. We led book clubs that provided opportunities for women and men to grow in depth with God and with community, creating relationships and support that went far beyond a greeting time at church. And we facilitated events that provided safe spaces for people to discover their place in a church that loves them.

But here we are, in the tension of excitement and loss again, and I just celebrated my birthday with a few of my close friends.

If I could have celebrated with everyone I feel close with and love, it would have been another event that my poor emotional self couldn't handle, so instead, a few friends made space for me to be in sweats, with sweets, and enjoy gifts and the presence of a few. We sat around, just chatting, eating chocolate covered cinnamon bears, sour candies, popcorn, and Shirley Temples, just enjoying each other's presence.

The Gift of Being Known

Then it was time for me to open my gifts. As I read each sweet card, celebrating another year and acknowledging my friendship with each one of them, I felt a little pinge in my heart with each word. I opened each gift slowly, taking in the beautiful offerings of connectedness from each woman. Although I have a Pinterest board that most of them bought from, each gift was a symbol of our friendship -- a display of their knowledge of me -- of what I'd like, my style, my preferences, but more sweetly, how they knew I'd feel loved.

Losing, and Gaining, and Feeling it All

At the end of opening all the gifts, I was pretty quiet. The room erupted back into sweet conversations, and I sat there taking it all in. At the end of the night, I drove home, went upstairs, put my new gifts next to my dresser, and crawled into bed fully clothed and cried in Kyle's arms. I cried, and we reflected on how incredibly hard the loss of this community will be.

The Desire to be Loved, Wanted, Needed...

In my post, "10 Things I've Learned in 10 Years", one of my ten reflections included the phrase that people want to be loved, wanted, and needed. In ministry, this has been so valuable in recognizing as we pastor our community. Identifying the deep desire for people to feel loved and seen has helped us have eyes looking out and arms gathering in. Then, after people feel safe and cared for, it is our greatest joy to help them identify their gifts and see their value as part of a greater community. The body of Christ has many parts, and their role in the body is to function as more than just a present appendage, but a needed, active limb with gifts to share with the other parts.

...And Known

Beyond participating in and serving the community as a valued member, there is an even greater desire that only can be met with time and intentionality. It comes with laughter, tears, conflict, and reconciliation. It does not just happen with proximity, but it happens when relationships grow beyond the surface, and real life is shared.

When you become known by the people in your lives, your reactions aren't a surprise, your pain is not threatening, your mistakes are met with grace, and your desires are met with intentionality. Although our friends are human, and they can get us wrong sometimes, they try. And they try because they love you.

Leaving the Best for the Best

Kyle and I never planned on leaving this sweet community. But we never planned on staying either. We have always held our lives up to God, allowing Him to plot our path, and we have committed to staying faithful to His guidance.

Proverbs 16:9 (NLT) - We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

In His loving care for us, God is the author of our story. He knows the plans He has for us, and that's enough. We don't need to know the plan. We don't need to know every detail of what's next. We just need to know that He is in control, and that He has good plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11).

In His goodness, He has given us the sweetest reminders of how good He is. As I mourn the loss of the friendships and proximity of these friendships after my birthday, I'm so thankful that the pain is not the same pain I felt on my birthday 14 years ago. God has brought me the most beautiful friendships, connectedness, and purpose, and He will be faithful to continue to create more in the future.

Even though this verse is taken slightly out of the original context, Philippians 1:6 reminds us that, "...God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." He is faithful to His promises and to the work he is doing in us and through us, and when we are obedient to His call, He will provide above and beyond what we could ever imagine.

*A Dedication to My Friends

To those who have celebrated me in the past, present, and future in different ways and at different parts of my journey, thank you. Thank you for loving me, accepting me, and investing into me. I am thankful for you beyond words.

And to my friends in the future, I am thankful for you too. I have faith for you, and for the sweetness that comes from God's grace and loving kindness.