Unspoken Expectations: Transform Your Relationships with Open Communication

Unspoken expectations can be the silent saboteurs in our relationships, marriages, and daily interactions. Often, they stem from our past experiences and family backgrounds, creeping into our present without us realizing. These unspoken expectations can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and frustrations. The key to harmony lies in identifying, communicating, and adjusting these expectations.

The Power of Expectations

Expectations shape our reality. Whether it’s the holiday traditions we cherish, the roles we assume in our households, or our intimate moments, unspoken expectations can create a chasm between what we envision and what actually unfolds.

Kyle and I faced our first major clash in marriage over Christmas traditions. I envisioned a family gathering with holiday music and hot cocoa as we set up our Christmas decorations and 5' fake tree, while he saw it as a time to relax and play video games while I put it all together. This mismatch led to frustration until we realized the need to communicate our expectations clearly.

Coming from a family in which his mother put up all the Christmas decor, Kyle had no idea that I expected something different! And coming from a family where we all participated in this sparkly moment, I just expected Kyle to want the same.

Family Traditions and Expectations

Our family of origin plays a significant role in forming our expectations. Reflecting on the roles and traditions in our families can help us understand our expectations better. For example:

• Who took out the trash in your family?

• Who cooked dinner?

• How were holidays celebrated?

• Who planned vacations and how planned were they? (Kyle and I have historically had some of our biggest fights on the first day of our vacations!)
  

By understanding these patterns, we can better communicate our expectations to our partners and adjust them as needed.

The Importance of Open Communication

Open communication is essential in any relationship. It's a no-brainer, right? Without it, we’re left guessing and often end up disappointed. Here are some practical steps to improve communication when it comes to what we expect out of situations we encounter:

• Identify Your Expectations: Take time to reflect on what you expect from your partner, friends, and family. Considering what your expectations are takes work ahead of time, but the work is worth it in having both of your needs met.

  • Consider an event that is coming up or a planned date-night.

    • What do you want from it?

    • How do you expect to the night to go?

    • Do you want it to be fully planned or do you want to be more spontaneous?

    • Do you like surprises?

    • Or do you desire comfort and consistency?
      

• Communicate Clearly: Don’t assume the other person knows what you want. Speak up.

  • Take a moment when planning the date to ask, what would you like to happen on our date? And make sure you share your expectations or needs as well. This isn't a time to go crazy and expect the other person to all of a sudden become a romantic, but consider what is possible and what you'd like to happen.

Proverbs 18:2, 21 - "2 Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions...21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

• Be Open to Adjustments: Be willing to adjust your expectations based on the other person’s perspective.

  • No one's needs are going to be met fully - we are all too different, but if you communicate ahead of time, each of you will be more attuned to how you can make the time together meaningful for both of you.

Holiday Traditions and Household Roles

Holiday traditions often highlight our unspoken expectations. My husband and I experienced this firsthand during our first Christmas together. While I expected a cozy family setup with music and decorations, he preferred a more laid-back approach. This clash of expectations led to one of our first big fights.

Navigating Holiday Traditions

Navigating these differences requires compromise and communication. Share your traditions and find common ground. Here are some tips:

1. Discuss your favorite holiday memories from your past

• What were they? What did you do? Eat? Watch? Go to?

• Would you want to incorporate them into your new traditions?
  

1. Find traditions you both enjoy.

• Do the traditions work for the two of you?

• Are there other things you enjoy that your family of origin didn't do?
  

1. Create new traditions together.

Household Roles and Expectations

Household roles are another area where unspoken expectations can cause friction. Kyle and I had different views on who should handle tasks like taking out the trash or cooking dinner. I thought I was the cook, and he thought he was the trash-guy, but after a few years of terrible meals and trash trucks passing by at 7am without our trash, we realized these did not fit us. By discussing and adjusting our roles, we found a balance that worked for us.

Intimacy and Expectations

Intimacy is a sensitive area where unspoken expectations can lead to significant misunderstandings. Many couples struggle with communicating their desires and expectations around intimacy and sex. It's important to understand that communication is the only way to truly avoid frustration and perceived rejection - as awkward or free as it might feel to have discussions about your sex life, it's important for the relationship!

Tips for Communicating Intimate Expectations:

1. Be Honest and Direct, but at the right time!: Share your desires and listen to your partner’s. Sometimes in the moment is best, but sometimes it's not. Have patience and consider when the best time to bring it up would be.

2. Create Anticipation: Discuss your plans for intimacy ahead of time to build excitement. Consider having a plan.

3. Respect Each Other’s Needs: Understand and respect each other’s boundaries and desires. You won't always be in the mood, but understanding when intimacy is important to build trust and closeness in the relationship helps in navigating hurdles of not feeling up for it. On the other side, considering when it's not the most loving time to be intimate, and being okay with that, is also a form of love!

Romans 12:10 - "Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other."

Communicating with God

Our relationship with God is another area where expectations play a crucial role. Often, we fail to communicate our hopes and dreams to Him, leading to a disconnect. God desires a relationship with us, not perfection. By communicating with Him openly, we can align our expectations with His will.

Building a Stronger Relationship with God

1. Pray Regularly: Share your thoughts, fears, and desires with God.

2. Engage with Scripture: Learn more about God’s character and His plans for you.

3. Trust in His Plan: Trust that God’s plan is good and perfect.

Further Resources

For those looking to dive deeper into the topic of expectations and communication, here are a couple of excellent Christian resources:

1. "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs – A comprehensive guide on understanding and communicating in marriage.

2. "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman – A book that explores different ways to express and receive love, helping improve communication and understanding in relationships.

3. "Strengthen Your Marriage: Personal Insights into Your Relationship Paperback" by Les Parrott & Leslie Parrott

By identifying, communicating, and adjusting our expectations, we can foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Let’s take the time to understand ourselves and our loved ones better, paving the way for a harmonious and joyful life together.